


Grocery

by marzichan



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: AU, Gen, Superstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-05
Updated: 2012-03-05
Packaged: 2017-11-01 09:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/355011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marzichan/pseuds/marzichan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake bugs Dirk at his part-time job. Superstuck AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grocery

**Author's Note:**

> Superstuck is a Homestuck AU based in a world where supervillains and superheroes are a common sight. In this AU, Jake is both a supervillain called General Terror and the son of the infamous Lord English. You can find out more by visiting [this page.](http://generalterror.tumblr.com/faq) This story was originally posted [here](http://generalterror.tumblr.com/post/16012627945/for-all-the-misery-dirk-strider-brings-into-your) on Tumblr.

For all the misery Dirk Strider brings into your life, that moment you return the favor almost makes it all worth it. The way his poker face finally crumbles, his features twisting in genuine frustration before he hastily neutralizes the expression, always fills with you a petty sort of glee. You enjoy riling him up, and there’s nothing that annoys him more than you bothering him when he’s off-duty.

More specifically: he hates it when you show up at his _other_ job, working as a bagboy at this little grocery store not too far from his apartment. You discovered this little fact by accident, having first started following him around out of a desire to know your nemesis’s habits better. The more you know about him, after all, the easier it is to make his life hell. This was your reasoning, and it certainly didn’t fail you.

You remember the look on his face when you first guided your cart into his aisle, his initial reaction a mixture of shock and disbelief. Although you often claim otherwise, the truth is that there is little difference between your villain guise and how you look as a civilian. You traded your diabolically stylish outfit for a green jacket, t-shirt, and shorts, sure, but your face hasn’t changed from the last time you took off your skull helmet in front of him. You know he recognized you instantly.

“Salutations!” You greet both him and the cashier cheerfully and begin setting your items on the conveyor belt while he stares at you like you’ve gone insane. The cashier, a girl clearly in her late teens, smiles back, bemused by your word choice but willing to play along all the same.

“And how has your day been today, sir?” She inquires politely as she passes your groceries over the bar code reader and down along to Dirk, a ‘beep’ sounding each time an item’s price is added to the overall total.

“Please, please, call me Jake! I am not a ‘sir’ yet, or at least I would like to think I don’t seem that old already!” You laugh, grinning, and manage to get the girl to crack a smile in return. Dirk is stone-faced by now, moving your things into plastic bags with a little more force than strictly necessary. “But to answer your question, my day has been simply splendid. And what about you, er…” You pause to glance at her nametag. “Marsha?” You make small talk with the cashier, turning on your own dorky brand of charm as you flirt with Dirk’s co-worker in front of him.

When you finally pay for your purchases and slide down to collect your bags, he looks almost murderous. You continue to grin as you reach for your bags, but now there’s the undertone of a sneer to your friendly tone. You lower your voice so the cashier won’t hear your taunt.

“Lovely work, old chap. I suppose I can take comfort in knowing you protect the sanctity of food just as faithfully as the city!” You smirk.

“English—what the fuck are you _doing_ here?” He hisses at you through clenched teeth, but he can’t lay a hand on you. Not without his hero’s immunity that gives him the right to go after villains. Unluckily for him, Jake English counts as a civilian, not a villain, and you were smart enough to leave General Terror at home.

“What do you think, Strider? I am buying myself some groceries for the week! Imagine my surprise, seeing you here.” This, you say louder, and the cashier glances over at you both curiously.

“Dirk, are you friends with this guy?”

“We dated in high school.” He fires off that reply casually, much to your surprise, and your face quickly reddens as you try to verbally backtrack over his slanderous implications.

“I wouldn’t really say _dated_ , that is not the sort of relationship we have—er, rather, ‘had’ at all!” You’re floundering, flustered by the idea that you could ever hook up with HIM of all people, and now he’s the one smirking.

“Wow, you play for the other team too?” Marsha clucks her tongue, a disappointed sound. “Damn, Dirk, leave some hot guys for us ladies to tango with, will you?”

“It’s hard when attractive men keep falling prostrate at my feet.” He shrugs as if saying it’s not his fault men are so drawn to him. 

Your scheme to humiliate him isn’t going quite as well as you’d hoped it would. He seems determined to drag you down the rocky cliff of egregious embarrassment with him, because there’s no way he could be serious.

Dirk Strider simply can’t be _gay._

“For the record,” you huff as you scoop your bagged groceries into your arms, “I would like to say that I’ve never fallen on my knees for Dirk’s benefit!” With that last sally, you hurry out of the store, your cheeks burning red as you hear both the cashier and Dirk chuckling behind you.


End file.
